The Joke Thread (Kinda Dead Around Here Lately)

Most anything goes as long as you keep it clean and civil!
User avatar
southernredneck1
League Member
League Member
Posts: 86
Joined: 22 Jan 2014 12:40
Years Open Carrying: 3+

The Joke Thread (Kinda Dead Around Here Lately)

Post by southernredneck1 » 27 Mar 2014 17:57

The site sure doesn't seem like it used to be. How about we get a Humor thread going. We will just try to keep it clean. I'll start:


Last Thursday night, around midnight, a woman from Houston, Texas was arrested, jailed, and charged with manslaughter for shooting a man 6 times in the back as he was running away with her purse.


The following Monday morning, the woman was called in front of the arraignment judge, sworn in, and asked to explain her actions.


The woman replied, "I was standing at the corner bus stop for about 15 minutes, waiting for the bus to take me home after work.. I am a waitress at a local cafe.....


I was there alone, so I had my right hand on my pistol, that was in my purse, that was hung over my left shoulder. All of a sudden I was being spun around hard to my left. As I caught my balance, I saw a man running away from me with my purse.


I looked down at my right hand and I saw that my fingers were wrapped tightly around my pistol. The next thing I remember is saying out loud, "No way punk! You're not stealing my pay check and tips."


I raised my right hand, pointed my pistol at the man running away from me with my purse, and squeezed the trigger of my pistol and shot him 6 times!


When asked by the arraignment judge, "Why did you shoot the man 6 times?


The woman replied under oath, "because, when I pulled the trigger the 7th time, it only went click."


The woman was acquitted of all charges. and she was back at work, at the cafe, the next day!
Guns Kill People Like Spoons Make People Fat!!!

User avatar
southernredneck1
League Member
League Member
Posts: 86
Joined: 22 Jan 2014 12:40
Years Open Carrying: 3+

Here's Another One

Post by southernredneck1 » 28 Mar 2014 19:19

Little Bow Hunter

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down?

That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazard fan that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place. One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (Ether). The light bulb went off in my head. I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner. Let’s face it, to a 10 yr old mouth-breather like myself, Ether really doesn't "sound" flammable. So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of Pyrodex (black powder for muzzle loader rifles).

At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the (Ether) can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie, a 1 lb. Pyrodex and 16 oz (Ether) should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know? You know what? Screw that, I'm going back in the house for the other can.
Yes, I got a second can of pyrodex and dumped it, too.

Now we're cookin'.
I stepped back about 15 ft and lit the 2 stroke arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and took aim. As I released I heard a clunk as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck... OH S%#T! He just got home from work. So help me John Wayne, it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a WT look in his eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of Pyrodex and into the can.
Oh #$%#!!!.
When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 fricking decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1 ft above the ground as far as I could see. It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a worm or two.

The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this...THE FRICKING DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE...!!
There was a big sweetgum tree out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice I said "was". That sumbich just got up and ran off.
So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my Thundercats T-Shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport having what I can only assume is a Vietnam flashback:
ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE...YOU'RE BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE!! DAMNIT, CEASE FIRE!!!!!
His hat has blown off and is 30 ft behind him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000 ft. over our backyard. There is a Honda 185 3 wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires.

I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don't know - I know I said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my own head. I don't think he heard me either... not that it would really matter. I don't remember much from this point on. I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke later....repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea. I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR. and Dad screaming "Bring Him back to life so I can kill him again". Thanks Mom.

One thing is for sure... I never had to mow around that stump again, Mom had been bitching about that thing for years and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business.

Dad sold his muzzle loader a week or so later. I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality, either from the blast or the beating, or both.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into archery. It's good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life..
Guns Kill People Like Spoons Make People Fat!!!

User avatar
lawdog
League Member
League Member
Posts: 108
Joined: 01 Mar 2014 10:16
Years Open Carrying: 3+
Location: Abita Springs

Re: Kinda Dead Around Here Lately

Post by lawdog » 29 Mar 2014 00:32

I don't know why there is so little traffic compared to the old site. Do you think this site is more complicated or something? I do not know because I didn't join the old site until right before the end of the year (2013), so I did not have a lot of experience with it. I come here all the time, but I don't see others.
Carry On!
(Free Men Bear Arms.)

User avatar
southernredneck1
League Member
League Member
Posts: 86
Joined: 22 Jan 2014 12:40
Years Open Carrying: 3+

Re: Kinda Dead Around Here Lately

Post by southernredneck1 » 29 Mar 2014 07:31

I'm not real sure why it seems so different. It is basically like the old site. I'm wondering what the facebook page traffic looks like. I don't have one and don't want one. Too many people are so addicted to find out what other people have posted, that the country's intelligence is plummeting. Remember the movie "Idiocracy?" Thought it was funny when you didn't know it was a true story, didn't ya?
Guns Kill People Like Spoons Make People Fat!!!

User avatar
herohog
Site Admin
Site Admin
Posts: 296
Joined: 21 Jan 2014 09:04
Years Open Carrying: 10+
Location: Shreveport, LA
Contact:

Re: Kinda Dead Around Here Lately

Post by herohog » 29 Mar 2014 07:36

From what I have been seeing, forum traffic is down at most ALL forums as Twitter, Facebook and the like are sucking all the traffic these days.
Speedy
AKA: Hero Hog, Dr. Speed and "That fat, old, balding, Grey-bearded gimpy guy"
Louisiana Open Carry Awareness League (LOCAL) Secretary/Treasurer, CIO

I don't have NEAR enough ammo on hand. `nuff said.

ImageImageImageImage

User avatar
southernredneck1
League Member
League Member
Posts: 86
Joined: 22 Jan 2014 12:40
Years Open Carrying: 3+

Re: Kinda Dead Around Here Lately

Post by southernredneck1 » 29 Mar 2014 08:07

Hey Hero,

How does the facebook and twitter pages work? Are the posts showing up on those as well as here? Also, do you think we could start a humor section on the site?
Guns Kill People Like Spoons Make People Fat!!!

User avatar
herohog
Site Admin
Site Admin
Posts: 296
Joined: 21 Jan 2014 09:04
Years Open Carrying: 10+
Location: Shreveport, LA
Contact:

Re: Kinda Dead Around Here Lately

Post by herohog » 29 Mar 2014 09:36

southernredneck1 wrote:Hey Hero,

How does the Facebook and twitter pages work? Are the posts showing up on those as well as here? Also, do you think we could start a humor section on the site?
People are just posting on those sites more, that's all.

As to creating another section, for now, let's just leave it as a thread in the general area, OK?
Speedy
AKA: Hero Hog, Dr. Speed and "That fat, old, balding, Grey-bearded gimpy guy"
Louisiana Open Carry Awareness League (LOCAL) Secretary/Treasurer, CIO

I don't have NEAR enough ammo on hand. `nuff said.

ImageImageImageImage

Steve Raacke
League President
League President
Posts: 151
Joined: 17 Feb 2014 21:31
Years Open Carrying: 5+

Re: Kinda Dead Around Here Lately

Post by Steve Raacke » 29 Mar 2014 10:25

The Facebook and Twitter site that we have for LOCAL isn't nearly as active as some groups. We made a decision early on not to SPAM people with useless stuff and restrict most of our posts there to Meeting Announcements, announcing or sharing announcements from our supporters of upcoming firearms training classes, gun shows and similar stuff. We will often post photos of our fliers/trifolds displayed in public or photos of our members at meetings or events. We keep it pretty much to LOCAL stuff and to LOUISIANA gun related stuff. Some groups post multiple times a day sending out copies of internet "motivational posters" or relaying news stories of shootings in other parts of the country. We feel there are plenty of sites like Ammoland.com and others already putting out this type of information so we try to keep from repeating it needlessly. If it's something about Louisiana or Open Carry in Louisiana then we will pass it along on our Facebook and Twitter sites. Otherwise, the stuff we want people to see from us gets lost in the static. We have heard back from some people telling us that they do appreciate how we tailor out posts on those social media sites and how they have unsubscribed from some of the other groups who seemed to post a dozens times a day about anything under the sun.

Facebook, Twitter and similar social media sites is what you make of it. Some people refuse to sign up for a Facebook account citing some off the wall reasons. If you don't want to get a bunch of solicitations and see a bunch of garbage on Facebook, just don't accept friend requests from anyone you don't know or want to talk to and set your privacy settings as high as they will go. The same thing with Twitter.

For instance. I was at work last night in Baton Rouge when the storm front blew through. People were walking out asking stupid things like "Wha?? It's raining? I didn't know it was gonna rain tonight." Never mind that the local TV weatherman had been talking about thunderstorms coming in around midnight since the noon edition of the News. My phone, set to vibrate anytime I get a new Private Message or Tweet, had been going off most of the day with warnings about this storm. Flash Flood Warnings. Thunder Storm Warnings. Tornado Watches. Why? Because I use Twitter to keep up with important stuff. I don't subscribe to Brittney Spears, Katie Perry or whomever. Instead, I'm signed up to receive "tweets" from National Weather Service (Slidell/New Orleans) as well as La GOHSEP, DOTD Baton Rouge Traffic and ENTERGY. By the time I saw the first raindrops coming down my phone had updated radar images from NWS, weather warnings from GOHSEP and messages from Entergy telling me where power was knocked out. I was getting Private Messages sent to my phone via Facebook from these same agencies. If a late adopter like me who didn't even know how to send a text a year ago can keep up to date with what's happening then I really didn't feel bad for those younger guys and gals running through the pouring rain in the parking lot because they didn't know to bring an umbrella. Nearly everyone of then was holding a smartphone similar to mine. If they chose to tune into Real Housewives or some fantasy football league feed instead of something which could help prepare them for the bad weather coming our way, well then that was their choice. What I'm saying is, don't hate on Facebook or Twitter. USE it. Make it work FOR you.

As Speedy said, forum traffic is down everywhere. I've spoken to people at the meetings who tell me that they NEVER read or participate in discussion forums. I've been told that some access the internet exclusively via their phones and don't even have a computer at home that they would use regularly. For many people, social media sites like Facebook and Twitter ARE their source of information.

Add to that, there are many gun related businesses who have decided against having a traditional webpage and been using sites like Facebook exclusively. A good example is Ferrara Firearms in Baton Rouge. Nick Ferrara will get a shipment of ammo in, snap a photo with his phone and post to Facebook to inform his customers that it's available and the price he's selling it for. He did this last week when he got a couple of cases of .22Lr and sold out in a couple of hours. He posts photos of firearms he has in stock or some that he is planning on ordering. His Facebook page is much more dynamic and easier to keep up than a traditional website. Many businesses have discovered this and have started doing this. Their customers tell them that it works.

For me, posting photos is easier on Facebook than here on the forum. To post a photo to the LOCAL Facebook wall, I find the photo on my phone and submit it. Here, on the forum, I have to first upload my photo to a server or photo sharing site such as Photobucket. Then I have to copy and past the URL to the body of the post making sure to bracket it with the correct html code. Lots more steps and many times it doesn't work correctly. Facebook takes less steps, is faster and frankly, more people see it. The meeting Reminder of the Florida Parishes meeting this month was read by 348 people. A post telling people about the gun shows last weekend in Bossier and Gonzales had 337 views as well as several comments. It got more traffic than many threads here in the forum.

We try to drive as much traffic to the forum as possible. When we posted a thread here about the Pre-filed Legislative Bills we posted a link in a message on our Facebook wall. We do that when other discussions are started which may interest our social media subscribers. The best we can do is to continue to post here. Let's make it RELAVANT though. If we fill the forum with "fluff" are we really doing anything positive? Start a thread on a recent trip you took to a local gun shop or firing range. Tell us about a new gun you are looking at buying soon. Got something off topic? We have a sub-forum for that. I've been known to post videos from my Youtube channel showing me using my ham radio gear or releasing possums I caught in a trap. Do something like that. Got an opinion about some recent gun law? Keep it civil and PG rated and make a new thread out of it.

I have personally taken a step back from posting as much as I used to. On the old forum I had several thousand posts and frankly, I've heard from some people who said that I post too much. My efforts to keep the forum lively were turning some people off. (shrugs) What can you do?
So jump in there, post and give the social media sites a try too.

As for me, it's often simpler to see a post by a person such as Brannon/NOLACOP and click on SHARE to post it to the LOCAL Facebook wall.

User avatar
southernredneck1
League Member
League Member
Posts: 86
Joined: 22 Jan 2014 12:40
Years Open Carrying: 3+

Letter from Summer Camp

Post by southernredneck1 » 29 Mar 2014 20:40

Dear Mom,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets.. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo.. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

Love,
Bobby
Guns Kill People Like Spoons Make People Fat!!!

User avatar
southernredneck1
League Member
League Member
Posts: 86
Joined: 22 Jan 2014 12:40
Years Open Carrying: 3+

Should I Really Join Facebook?

Post by southernredneck1 » 29 Mar 2014 21:25

When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the thirty-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures, and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook , so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great-grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue Tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-U-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, "No, but I do toot a lot."
Guns Kill People Like Spoons Make People Fat!!!

georg jetson
Founding Member
Founding Member
Posts: 34
Joined: 23 Jan 2014 16:36

Re: Kinda Dead Around Here Lately

Post by georg jetson » 30 Mar 2014 19:53

Bi-sacksual?!?! That's effing funny!!! LOL!!! Thanks you for that. :)

User avatar
southernredneck1
League Member
League Member
Posts: 86
Joined: 22 Jan 2014 12:40
Years Open Carrying: 3+

Sorry About Your Parrot

Post by southernredneck1 » 01 Apr 2014 10:28

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead."

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si', Senor, that's the one."

"Oh My! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who the heck fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Si', Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the ... ? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Si', Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod." She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her with your new Kreighoff Limited Edition Custom Gold Engraved Trap Special with the custom Wenig Exhibition Grade Stock.

SILENCE ... LONG SILENCE ... VERY LONG SILENCE.

"Ernesto, if you scratched that shotgun, you're in deep s#$%."
Guns Kill People Like Spoons Make People Fat!!!

User avatar
luvmy357
League Member
League Member
Posts: 2
Joined: 06 Mar 2014 19:43
Years Open Carrying: <1

Re: Kinda Dead Around Here Lately

Post by luvmy357 » 01 Apr 2014 18:34

Which is why we do not have a parrot.

User avatar
luvmy357
League Member
League Member
Posts: 2
Joined: 06 Mar 2014 19:43
Years Open Carrying: <1

Re: Kinda Dead Around Here Lately

Post by luvmy357 » 01 Apr 2014 18:49

Here's one for you: (hijack)

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?""OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?"

User avatar
southernredneck1
League Member
League Member
Posts: 86
Joined: 22 Jan 2014 12:40
Years Open Carrying: 3+

Re: Kinda Dead Around Here Lately

Post by southernredneck1 » 02 Apr 2014 17:31

An elementary teacher starts a new job at a school in New Orleans, LA
and was trying to make a good impression on her first day explains to her class that she is a Saints fan.

She asks the class to raise their hands if they too are Saints fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm NOT a Saints fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asks: "Well, if you're not a Saints fan, then whom do you support?"


"I'm a Cowboys fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Well Mary, might you explain why are you a Cowboys fan?"


"Because my mom and dad are from Dallas and my mom is a Cowboys fan and my dad is a Cowboys fan, so I'm a Cowboys fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no
reason for you to be a Cowboys fan. You don't have to be just like your
parents all of the time. What if your mom was a prostitute and your
dad was a drug addict and a car thief, what would you be then?"

Mary said, "I'd be a Falcon fan."
Guns Kill People Like Spoons Make People Fat!!!

User avatar
southernredneck1
League Member
League Member
Posts: 86
Joined: 22 Jan 2014 12:40
Years Open Carrying: 3+

The Fart

Post by southernredneck1 » 03 Apr 2014 21:09

THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS. THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.

EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK.

HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.

THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE CHRISTMAS DAY MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS, NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS, AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.

SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS

WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS..

SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM.

THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.

ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE.

SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'..

'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE.

'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED.

BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, WITH SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN.
Guns Kill People Like Spoons Make People Fat!!!

User avatar
southernredneck1
League Member
League Member
Posts: 86
Joined: 22 Jan 2014 12:40
Years Open Carrying: 3+

Craigslist Ad

Post by southernredneck1 » 07 Apr 2014 14:48

FIFTY YEAR OLD MANURE SPREADER - $1 (WASHINGTON, DC)

Fifty-year old manure spreader. Not sure of brand. Said to have
been produced in Kenya. Used for a few years in Indonesia before
being smuggled into the US via Hawaii. Of questionable pedigree.

Does not appear to have ever been worked hard.

Apparently, it was pampered by various owners over the years. It
doesn't work very often, but when it does it can sling crap for
amazing distances. I am hoping to retire the manure spreader this
November. I really don't want it hanging around getting in the way.

I would prefer a foreign buyer to relocate the manure spreader out of the country. I would be willing to trade it for a nicely framed copy of the United States Constitution.

Location: Currently being stored in a big white house in Washington, D.C.
Guns Kill People Like Spoons Make People Fat!!!

User avatar
southernredneck1
League Member
League Member
Posts: 86
Joined: 22 Jan 2014 12:40
Years Open Carrying: 3+

Hunting With the Wife

Post by southernredneck1 » 08 Apr 2014 19:56

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up raring to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his
surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asks her, "What are you up to?"

Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along.

A little while later they arrive at a WMA just outside of New Orleans, LA.

Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."

Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant - much less a deer.

Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming,
"Get away from my deer!"

Confused and frightened, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a Louisiana game warden with his hands high in the air.

The game warden, obviously distraught, yelled, "Okay, lady! You can have your [beeep] deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"
Guns Kill People Like Spoons Make People Fat!!!

User avatar
southernredneck1
League Member
League Member
Posts: 86
Joined: 22 Jan 2014 12:40
Years Open Carrying: 3+

A Blonde in a Southern Church

Post by southernredneck1 » 09 Apr 2014 19:48

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. It is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.”

No one moved. The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven, and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.” Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. “Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!
Guns Kill People Like Spoons Make People Fat!!!

User avatar
southernredneck1
League Member
League Member
Posts: 86
Joined: 22 Jan 2014 12:40
Years Open Carrying: 3+

A Cup of Tea

Post by southernredneck1 » 10 Apr 2014 20:16

One day my wife was out, and I was in charge of my grand daughter for the day.

She was 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given her a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of her favorite toys.

I was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought me a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my wife came home.

I made her wait in the living room to watch our grand daughter bring me a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

My wife waited, and sure enough, here she came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grampa, and my wife watched me drink it up.

Then my wife said,"Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"
Guns Kill People Like Spoons Make People Fat!!!

User avatar
southernredneck1
League Member
League Member
Posts: 86
Joined: 22 Jan 2014 12:40
Years Open Carrying: 3+

A Little Alcohol Humor

Post by southernredneck1 » 11 Apr 2014 20:55

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.

The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies, “My wife.”


--------------------------------------------------------------

A Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. "Frogs are good bass bait" I thought to myself.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Just then, I realized I had a problem, how was I going to release the snake without getting bit? So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. The snakes eyes rolled back and he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge at my foot. There was that same snake with two more frogs in his mouth.

Life is good in the South.
Guns Kill People Like Spoons Make People Fat!!!

rc75mhz
.22
Posts: 2
Joined: 05 Apr 2014 22:40
Years Open Carrying: 0

Re: Kinda Dead Around Here Lately

Post by rc75mhz » 12 Apr 2014 12:18

Thanks southernredneck1 for the great humor posts. (appl)

User avatar
southernredneck1
League Member
League Member
Posts: 86
Joined: 22 Jan 2014 12:40
Years Open Carrying: 3+

Re: Kinda Dead Around Here Lately

Post by southernredneck1 » 15 Apr 2014 08:32

No problem. Sorry I haven't posted one in a couple of days. Been busy. I'll see if I can drum one up for ya.
Guns Kill People Like Spoons Make People Fat!!!

User avatar
southernredneck1
League Member
League Member
Posts: 86
Joined: 22 Jan 2014 12:40
Years Open Carrying: 3+

A Marine's Story

Post by southernredneck1 » 15 Apr 2014 08:36

A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum who got what he deserved. and he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dressed and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited [beeep]! He retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!.

And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.
Guns Kill People Like Spoons Make People Fat!!!

rc75mhz
.22
Posts: 2
Joined: 05 Apr 2014 22:40
Years Open Carrying: 0

Re: Kinda Dead Around Here Lately

Post by rc75mhz » 15 Apr 2014 21:02

Another good one!!!

Post Reply