The Joke Thread (Kinda Dead Around Here Lately)

Most anything goes as long as you keep it clean and civil!
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A Lesson For the Wife

Post by southernredneck1 » 16 Apr 2014 18:43

I was walking down the street when I was approached by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy alcohol with it instead of food?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said, "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this money on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after giving up drinking, fishing, and hunting."
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At The Lodge

Post by southernredneck1 » 17 Apr 2014 19:04

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around.
The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member
and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."

They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story. "Well," he began, "I remember back in '54, we went
on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day,
I was so tired I had to rest. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep.
I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the
biggest lion I've ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this, 'ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!'
Well, I just crapped my pants."

The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you,
I would have crapped my pants too if a lion jumped out at me."
The old man shook his head and said, "No, no. Not then,
just now when I said 'ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!'"
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The Black Bra

Post by southernredneck1 » 18 Apr 2014 17:29

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 30+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
"The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long."

The mistress:
"Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we made wild love all night."

Then I had to share my story:
"When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said:



>

>

>

>

>

" What's for dinner, Zorro?"
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Cash Transactions

Post by southernredneck1 » 19 Apr 2014 18:40

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
Then the boy said, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment... "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
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Probably Get Chastised For This One, But Here It Goes

Post by southernredneck1 » 21 Apr 2014 17:45

Men Teaching Classes for Women at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By April 30, 2014

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM .

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase-- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum ..
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
_________________________
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Cold Water

Post by southernredneck1 » 22 Apr 2014 20:00

This is for all the germ conscious folks
That worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan ..

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking,

'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied,

'They're as clean as cold water can get em.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers.

Again, John was concerned about the plates,
As his appeared to have tiny specks around
The edge that looked like dried egg and asked,

'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said,

'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.

John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted!

'Cold Water, go lay down now, yah hear me!'
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Costume Party

Post by southernredneck1 » 23 Apr 2014 20:04

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

Being a devoted husband, he protested, but she said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

The wife sidled up to him and acted as a rather seductive babe; he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, after all he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

"Did you dance much ?"

"I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."
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Daddy's Rules for Dating My Daughter

Post by southernredneck1 » 24 Apr 2014 19:32

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package,
because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long
as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes
or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear
their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.
Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are
complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue,
so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear
showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in
order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course
of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten
your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a
"Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes
to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we
should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do
not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of
when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only
word I need from you on this subject is: "early"

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date
other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.
Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to
date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I
will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and
more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time
for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her
makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.
Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like
changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding
hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to
introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or
anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka-zipped up to
her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be
avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay.
Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot bellied, balding, middle-aged,
dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the
all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are
going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, & five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound
of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near
Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head
frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter
home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with
both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a
clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then
return to your car-there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged
face at the window is mine.
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Dentist Office

Post by southernredneck1 » 25 Apr 2014 17:51

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.

The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one [beeep] of a hurry!

I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf.

So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it.

We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already.

I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show him."
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New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 50!

Post by southernredneck1 » 26 Apr 2014 18:45

I am over 50 and the Armed Forces thinks I’m too old to track down terrorists. You can’t be older than 42 to join the military. They’ve got the whole thing [beeep]-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.
...
You shouldn’t be able to join a military unit until you’re at least 35. For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven’t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier.” My back hurts!”, “ can’t sleep” , “I’m tired and hungry”. We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some [beeep] that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn’t even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the [beeep]. Besides, like I said, I’m tired and can’t sleep and since I’m already up, I May as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-[beeep].

If captured we couldn’t spill the beans because we’d forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. Were used to getting screamed and yelled at and were used to soft, bad, cold food. We’ve also developed an appreciation for guns. We’ve been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling… They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I’ve been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do many pushups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too, ‘cuz if you need to run 2 mile, it’s too late... and I’ve never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old guy has the whole world ahead of him. He’s still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn’t figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way. Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowardly terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, which know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50 in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes?? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!
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Re: Kinda Dead Around Here Lately

Post by herohog » 26 Apr 2014 19:27

LOL! Keep `em comin!
Speedy
AKA: Hero Hog, Dr. Speed and "That fat, old, balding, Grey-bearded gimpy guy"
Louisiana Open Carry Awareness League (LOCAL) Secretary/Treasurer, CIO

I don't have NEAR enough ammo on hand. `nuff said.

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His and Her Diaries

Post by southernredneck1 » 27 Apr 2014 17:27

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.







Husband's Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.
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A Few for the Vets

Post by southernredneck1 » 02 May 2014 09:00

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For instance, take the simple phrase "secure the building".

The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters
The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.



Two army rules:

#1.The commanding officer is always right.
#2.If the commanding officer is not right, see #1.



A private asks a sergeant:

- Is it true that man descended from a monkey?
- Yes, privates possibly were. But not sergeants.




A general calls a colonel:

- Do you have a couple of smart majors?
- Yes Sir, I do.
- Send them to me. I need to move my furniture around.



At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned. One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?"
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Sh!t: Through the Eyes of the Military

Post by southernredneck1 » 06 May 2014 20:02

An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35-pound pack on his back, 15-lb. weapon in his hand, having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is sh!t."
An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45-pound pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from a plane and jogged 18 miles, says with a smile, "This is good sh!t."
A Navy Seal lies in the mud, 55-pound pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp, and running 25 miles at night past enemy positions, says with a grin, "This is really great sh!t."
A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp with a 65-pound pack on his back and weapons in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this sh!t."
An Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air-conditioned, carpeted office in front of his computer and says, "My e-mail is out? What kind of sh!t is this?"
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Who Is Going to Afghanistan First?

Post by southernredneck1 » 07 May 2014 20:28

Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got called up to active duty. Boudreaux's first assignment was in a military induction center.

Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

The officer in charge soon noticed that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance.

This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30.00 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge. The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.

Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you has da normal GI insurance an' you goes to Afghanistan an' gets youself killed, da government pays you beneficiary $20,000. If you takes out da supplemental insurans, which cost you only t'irty dollars a mons, den da governmen' gots ta pay you beneficiary $200,000!"

"Now," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink dey gonna send ta Afghanistan first ?"
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Never Mess with a Ranger

Post by southernredneck1 » 15 May 2014 19:22

A battalion of marines was on a beach doing a PT workout when the CO of the battalion looked up and saw a lone army ranger standing at attention at the top of a hill.
The CO was curious so he sent a marine up to see what was going on.
As the marine approached the ranger sprinted into the woods, and the marine followed.
Yelling and screaming could be heard coming from the woods, seconds later the Ranger stepped out and stood back at attention.
The CO was still curious so he sent a squad up to investigate.
The ranger ran into the woods and after some yelling and screaming, came back out and stood at attention again.
Now the CO was angry so he sent an entire Platoon up to the top of the hill.
The ranger ran into the woods.
He emerged moments later after sime more yelling and screaming with no sign of the marines anywhere.
The CO had had enough, he sent the entire battalion of marines charging up the hill.
The ranger ran into the woods. More yelling and screaming and this time some gunfire.
Finally a terribly wounded marine crawled out of the woods and reported back to the CO.
The CO inquired "Do you mean to tell me that one army ranger destroyed an entire battalion of marines"
The marine replied "no sir, it was a trick, there were two of them!"


GO ARMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D (ak47)
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Post by southernredneck1 » 17 May 2014 20:41

Comparison of military operational tactics (Snake model)

Infantry:
Snake smells them, leaves area.

Airborne:
Lands on and kills the snake.

Armor:
Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

Aviation:
Has GPS coordinates to snake.
Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.

Ranger:
Plays with snake, then eats it.

Field Artillery:
Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage
with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several
hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is
considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics
and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

Special Forces:
Makes contact with snake, ignores all State
Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by
building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it
to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.

Combat Engineer:
Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal
thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using
counter mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't
understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

Navy SEAL:
Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire
support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and
retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS
kill Muslim extremist snakes.

Navy:
Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships,
kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations
Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of
anti-snake Force projection.

Marine:
Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs.
Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area ofOperations.

Marine Recon:
Follows snake, gets lost.
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U.S. Army Anwering Machine

Post by southernredneck1 » 18 May 2014 20:57

We're sorry, but all of our units are out at the moment, or otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organization, region, specific crisis and a number where you can be reached. As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, China, the Y2K Bug, marching up and down the streets of Washington, D.C. and attending the compulsary Consideration of Others Training, we will return your call.

Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please choose from the following options: If your crisis is small and is located near the sea, press 1 for the United States Marine Corps.

If your concern is distant, with temperate climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one or two low-risk high-altitude bombing runs, press 2 for the United States Air Force. Please note that this service is not available after 1630 hours , or on weekends. Special consideration will be given to customers requiring satellite or stealth technology who can provide additional research and development funding.

If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of grey funnel,bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please write, well in advance, to the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come, first-serve basis.

If your inquiry is not urgent, press 3 for the Rapid Deployment Force.

If you are in really hot trouble, please press 4, and your call will be answered by the United States Army Special Operations Command. Please note that a mandatory credit check will be done to ensure you can afford the inherent TDY costs. Also, be aware that USASOC may bill your account at any time and is not required to tell you why, as it is classified

If you are interested in joining the U S Army, and you wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your family in a condemned hut miles from civilization, and are prepared to work your ass off, risking your life in all weather and terrains, both day and night, whilst watching Congress erode your original benefits package, then please stay on the line. Your call will be answered shortly by the next available bitter passed -over for promotion Army Recruiter located in a strip mall down by the post office.

Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the United States Army!
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Re: The Joke Thread (Kinda Dead Around Here Lately)

Post by herohog » 18 May 2014 21:05

I hope ya don't mind but I changed the thread name to better match it's content and hopefully draw more traffic to it!

We love it! Keep them coming! :lol:
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AKA: Hero Hog, Dr. Speed and "That fat, old, balding, Grey-bearded gimpy guy"
Louisiana Open Carry Awareness League (LOCAL) Secretary/Treasurer, CIO

I don't have NEAR enough ammo on hand. `nuff said.

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Why Rednecks Make Good Soldiers

Post by southernredneck1 » 19 May 2014 19:25

Dear Ma & Pa:
Am well. Hope you are. Tell brother Walt & brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt & Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they git warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food. But tell Walt & Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.
The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors & Colonels just ride around & frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt & Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Be sure to tell Walt & Elmer to hurry & join before other fellers get into this setup & come stampeding in.


Your loving daughter, Gail

P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 towards a new barn roof & ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.
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Military Common Sense

Post by southernredneck1 » 20 May 2014 20:01

A lot of life's problems can be explained by the U.S. Military and its applications of common sense ...

1. "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
(Paul Rodriguez)

2. "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
(Army's magazine of preventive maintenance ).

3. "Aim towards the Enemy."
(Instruction printed on US M79 Rocket Launcher)

4. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
(U.S. Marine Corps)

5. Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit the ground.
(U.S. Air Force)

6. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
(Infantry Journal)

7. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
(US Air Force Manual)

8. Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.
(Gen. MacArthur)

9. Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.
(Infantry Journal)

10. You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me.
(Marine Gunnery Sergeant)

11. Tracers work both ways.
(US Army Ordnance)

12. Five second fuses only last three seconds.
(Infantry Journal)

13. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
(US Navy Seaman)

14. Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.
(David Hackworth)

15. If your attack is going too well, you have walked into an ambush.
(Infantry Journal)

16. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
(Joe Gay)

17. Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.
(Admiral Hornblower)

18. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
(Unknown Marine Recruit)

19. Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you.
(Your Buddies)

20. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
(Army Platoon Sergeant)

21. If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission properly.
(David Hackworth)

22. Your job is to kill the other person before they kill you so that your national leaders can negotiate a peace that will last as long as it takes the ink to dry.
(Drill Instructor)

23. In the Navy, the Chief is always right.
(Written on the door into the Chiefs quarters)
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12 Step Program for the Military

Post by southernredneck1 » 21 May 2014 19:44

1. I am in the military , I have a problem. This is the first step to
recovery...

2. Speech:
•Time should never begin with a zero or end in a hundred, it is not 0530or 1400 it is 5:30 in the morning (AKA God-awful early).
•Words like deck, rack, and "PT" will get you weird looks; floor, bed, workout, get used to it.
•"F *ck" cannot be used to -replace whatever word you can't think of right now, try "um".
•Grunting is not talking.
•It's a phone, not a radio, conversations on a phone do not end in "out"
•People will not know what you are talking about if you tell them you are coming from Camp Lejeune with the MWSS platoon or that you spent a deployment in the OCAC

3. Style:
•Do not put creases in your jeans.
•Do not put creases on the front of your dress shirts.
•A horseshoe cut looks dumb, not motivating.
•A high and tight looks really dumb as well.
•So does a low reg, but not as bad.
•A hat indoors does not make you a bad person, it makes you like the rest of the world.
•you do not have to wear a belt ALL the time.

4. Women:
•Air Force girls are easy, very easy, not all women are this easy and will probably punch you in the nuts if you treat them like Air Force girls.
•Being divorced twice by the time you are 23 is not normal, neither are 6 month marriages, even if it is your first.
•Marrying a girl so that you can move out of the barracks does not make "financial sense", it makes you a retard.

5. Personal accomplishments:
•In the real world, being able to do pushups will not make you good at your job.
•Most people will be slightly disturbed by you if you tell them about people you have killed or seen die.
•How much pain you can take is not a personal accomplishment.
•The time you got really drunk and passed the sobriety test anyway is also not a personal accomplishment.

6. Drinking:
•In the real world, being drunk before 5pm will get you an intervention, not a "good for you"
•That time you drank a 5th of Jaeger and pissed in your closet is not a conversation starter.
•That time you went to the combat life saver school and practiced giving vodka iv's will also not be a good conversation starter

6. Bodily functions:
•Farting on your co-workers and then giggling while you run away may be viewed as "unprofessional".
•The size of the dump you took yesterday will not be funny no matter how big it was, how much it burned, or how much it smelled.
•You can't make fun of someone for being sick, no matter how funny it is
•VD will also not be funny

7. The human body:
•Most people will not want to hear about your balls. Odd as that may seem, it's true.

8. Spending habits:
•One day, you will have to pay bills
•Buying a $30,000 car on a $16,000 a year salary is a really bad idea.
•Spending money on video games instead of on diapers makes you a fool.
•One day you will need health insurance

9. Interacting with civilians (AKA YOU):
•Making fun of your neighbor to his face for being fat will not be normal.

10. Real jobs:
•They really can fire you.
•On the flip side you really can quit.
•Screaming at the people that work for you will not be normal, remember they really can quit too.
•Taking naps at work will not be acceptable.
•Remember 9-5 not 0530 to 1800

11. The Law:
•Non-judicial punishment does not exist and will not save you from prison.
•Your workplace unlike your command can't save you and probably won't,in fact most likely you will fired about 5 minutes after they find out you've been arrested
•Even McDonalds does background checks, and "conviction" isn't going to help you get the job
•Fighting is not a normal thing and will get you really arrested, not yelled at Monday morning before they ask you if you won.

12. General knowledge:
•You can in fact really say what you think about the President in public.
•Pain is not weakness leaving the body, it's just pain.
•They won't wear anything shiny that tells you they are more important then you are, be polite.
•Read the contracts before you sign them, remember what happened the first time.
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New Enlistment Oaths

Post by southernredneck1 » 22 May 2014 19:52

U.S. COAST GUARD ENLISTMENT OATH
"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES COAST GUARD because I know being in the real military scares me. However, I swear to defend our position as the fifth branch of the Armed Services, although at one point we were under the Department of Homeland Security. I understand that atleast twice a day, someone will refer to me a member of the Air Force or Navy, and when I correct them, they will question my military status. I will work on boats the size of kayaks and small yachts during the worst of natures storms, and recieve no thanks or notice form the public. I will fly in helos into the eye of the storm to rescue people dumber then rocks, and then be heckled by the same people when I bust them for transporting drugs two months later.! I will prevent thousands of gallons of pollution, but be accused of impeding the economy when I won't allow vessels to pour oil into the ocean. I will be the red-headed step child to all of the other services, although I know I got the better deal. All of my equipment will be discarded Navy property. I will use most of my time in the Coast Guard to take college classes, and perfect my web surfing abilities, then complain that I work too much. I will perfect avoiding PT at all costs, and do my best to attend training that will give me a great competitive edge in the career field of my choice, making retention efforts of the Coast Guard pointless. I will come in contact with so many pollutants during my tenure, I will glow in the dark for the rest of my natural life and refer to myself as "salty" because of it. I will do my best to work 8 to 3, with a two hour lunch, on normal days, and have my pager and cell phone surgically attached, SO HELP ME GOD.

____________________
Signature
____________________
Date

US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army, because the Marines frighten me, and because I am afraid of water over waist-deep. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of "Basic Training", I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, Lazy-Boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. So Help Me God!"

____________________
Signature
____________________
Date

US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my otherwise mediocre life to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a court-martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my Sexual.....er.....I mean "Basic Training," I will attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave everyday at 1300 to report back to "COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job up! on separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So Help Me God!"

_____________________
Signature
_____________________
Date

US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer,! and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, geedunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup-handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound "colleagues." So Help Me Neptune!"

______________________
Signature
______________________
Date

US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (pick a name the police won't recognize), swear..uhhhh....high-and-tight.... grunt... cammies....kill....fix bayonets....charge....slash....dig....burn....blowup....ugh...Air Force women....beer.....sailors wives.....air strikes....yes SIR!....whiskey....liberty call....salute....Ooorah Gunny....grenades...women....OORAH! So Help Me Chesty PULLER!"

X____________________
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XX _________________________________
Teeth Marks
_____________________
Date
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Obama and the Queen's Riddle

Post by southernredneck1 » 10 Jun 2014 19:15

Sorry its been a while since I posted a joke. I was on vacation in Missouri. Had no cell service or internet. It was AWESOME! Now back in the real world and back on the job.


Barack Obama met with the Queen of England.

He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? What tips can you give to me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister.

Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice presidential choice the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child.
It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer

Finally, Biden ran into Sarah Palin out eating one night. Biden asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Sarah Palin answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"

Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Sarah Palin!"
Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

AND THAT IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON AT THE WHITE HOUSE …
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Grandma Still Drives

Post by southernredneck1 » 11 Jun 2014 18:54

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach..

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma
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