The Joke Thread (Kinda Dead Around Here Lately)

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Polish Sausage

Post by southernredneck1 » 12 Jun 2014 19:11

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'prejudice' these days ...

A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?"


The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."



The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."
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Medical Advise

Post by southernredneck1 » 13 Jun 2014 18:29

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each
other outside the operating room, the first surgeries of the day.

The first kid leans over and asks,
"What are you in here for?"

The second kid says,
"I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid."

The first kid says,
"You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you
lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks,
"What are you here for?"

The first kid says,"Circumcision."

"Whoa!" the second kid replies,
"Good luck, buddy.
I had that done when I was born and
I couldn't walk for a year."
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E-mail From God

Post by southernredneck1 » 14 Jun 2014 18:31

One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on...So He called His angels and sent one to earth for a time.When the angel returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'So God called another angel and sent her to earth for a time.When the angel returned she went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good...'
God was not pleased.
So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because He wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?


Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.
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HAPPY PAPPY DAY!!!!

Post by southernredneck1 » 15 Jun 2014 19:11

I Owe My Father

1. My Father taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

2. My Father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

3. My Father taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

4. My Father taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going fishing with me."

5. My Father taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

6. My Father taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

7. My Father taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

8. My Father taught me about CONTORTIONISM..
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

9.My Father taught me about STAMINA ..
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

10.My Father taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

11.My Father taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

12.My Father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."

13.My Father taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

14.My Father taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

15.My Father taught me about RECEIVING*.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

16.My Father taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

17.My Father taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

18.My Father taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

19.My Father taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your mother."

20.My Father taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

21.My Father taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

22.My Father taught me about JUSTICE.
* "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you !"*

And my personal favorite!

23.My Father taught me about CHOICE.
"Do you want me to stop this car?"
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Love This Japanese Doctor!

Post by southernredneck1 » 16 Jun 2014 18:18

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
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Dear Abby

Post by southernredneck1 » 18 Jun 2014 18:58

Dear Abby,
My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest.
Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more. Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he's on his knees 7 times a day with Muslims.
Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy!
Can you help?
Signed,
Lost
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lost,

Suck it up and stop whining, Michelle. You're getting to live in the White House for free, travel the world, and have others pay for everything for you. You can divorce the jerk any time you want.
The rest of us are stuck with the idiot for 2 more years.
Signed,
Abby
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Friendship Poem

Post by southernredneck1 » 19 Jun 2014 18:51

Friendship ~ None of that Sissy Crap

Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cute little smiley faces on this ~ Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1.. When you are sad ~ I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue ~ I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile ~ I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.


4. When you are scared ~ I will rag on you about it every chance I get until you're NOT.

5. When you are worried ~ I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused ~ I will try to use only little words.

7. When you are sick ~ Stay the [beeep] away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall ~ I will laugh at your clumsy a**, but I'll help you up.

9. This is my oath ~ I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask ~ because you are my friend.

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you
can feel the true warmth.
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Re: The Joke Thread (Kinda Dead Around Here Lately)

Post by Ken M » 21 Jun 2014 09:59

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter.
In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the
bank which was worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut

Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!

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Ya Just Gotta Believe Her

Post by southernredneck1 » 21 Jun 2014 18:51

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out,
"Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,
"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what
to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,

"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"
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Wal-Mart Interview

Post by southernredneck1 » 30 Jun 2014 22:04

Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

The first man replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning."

"That's very good! And, now you sir,"' she asked the second man.

"Hmmm....let me see. A BLINK! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."

''Excellent! The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed." She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant.. 'Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," she said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said Jennifer, stunned by the response...

"Oh sure," said Bubba. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already sh--messed my pants."

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on --
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Needs No Explanation

Post by southernredneck1 » 09 Jul 2014 19:17

When Obama died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the Nation I helped conceive?"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Obama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the radical, socialist leader.

As Obama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Obama wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 VIRGINIANS waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"..."You really need do need to listen carefully when someone is trying to tell you something!"
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Senior Carjacking

Post by southernredneck1 » 10 Jul 2014 18:34

Had this forwarded to me so I can't verify, but it's funny.



This is a true account as recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida.........

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it!
Get out of the car!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation.
They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken
that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why... For the same reason she did not
understand why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs of beer in the front seat!
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the
police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it a memorable one!!!!!
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Re: The Joke Thread (Kinda Dead Around Here Lately)

Post by Wolfgang1952 » 11 Jul 2014 02:35

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

That is the best one yet. I can't stop laughing either.

Wolf
.308 Isn't an area code, but it can still make long distance calls.

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Congressional Training

Post by southernredneck1 » 11 Jul 2014 18:47

Old Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun
In one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:


"I Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure. Coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee......
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
Turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
Causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere And then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
Another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
The waiter

"I Want coffee."

The waiter says "Whoa!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says,



"I am Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
Leave crap for others to clean up,
Disappear for rest of day."
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Full of Hot Air

Post by southernredneck1 » 12 Jul 2014 18:51

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "But how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You've made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now, it's MY fault.
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Cowboy Boots

Post by southernredneck1 » 13 Jul 2014 18:33

Bert and Margaret had been married for a long time.
Bert had always wanted a pair of cowboy boots.
One day he saw in the paper that the local shoe store was having a shoe sale.
He went down and he found him a fancy pair of cowboy boots.
He went home and put them on to show Margaret.
He went into the living room where she was sitting reading the paper.
He stood in front of her and asked if she noticed anything different about him.
She said no.
He got mad and went into the bathroom took off his clothes except his cowboy boots.
He went back in the living room and stood in front of Margaret and asked, "Now do you see anything different?"
She said, "No,it was hanging down yesterday, it's hanging down now, and it'll be hanging down tomorrow."
He said, "Do you know why it's hanging down?"
She said, "No."
He said, "Because it's looking at my new boots!"
Margaret said, "Well, you shoulda bought a hat!"
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Nasty Accident

Post by southernredneck1 » 14 Jul 2014 17:59

I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, waiting on it to turn green.
A carload of young, loud Muslims shouting anti-American slogans stopped next to me. The light changed, the Muslims shook their fists, hit the gas and darted off ahead of me.
Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding through and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely. For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man, that could have been me!"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got me a job as a truck driver.
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Have You Ever Danced?

Post by southernredneck1 » 15 Jul 2014 19:19

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance...Never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's butt?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... But... I've always wanted to."



There are a few lessons for us all here:

Never be arrogant.

Don't waste ammunition.

Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.



I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you? (2guns)
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Bathtub

Post by southernredneck1 » 16 Jul 2014 18:02

I recently visited a mental asylum and I asked the director,"How can you know when a person needs to be institutionalized?"

He said,"Well, we fill a bathtub with water and we offer them a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket and ask them to empty the tub."

I said,"I see...a normal person would choose the bucket because it is bigger."

He responded, "No. A normal person would pull the plug...would you like a bed by the window?"
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Cajun Humor

Post by southernredneck1 » 17 Jul 2014 18:55

Boudreaux was out in da field talkin' wit his frien' Thibodeaux.
Thibodeaux said, "Boudreaux , you see dat ole barn out dere? Well man,
its completely infestered wit' rats. I tried everything I know an'
can't get rid of dem."

Boudreaux say, "Thibodeaux, I know zactly how to get rid of dem rats.
You gotta get you one of dem bull constriptors."

Thibodeaux say, "Whats a bull constriptor?"

Boudreaux explains, " Man. Dats one of dem big ole snakes and he loves
to eat rats and swallers dem whole, all at once."

Well, da nex' day Thibodeaux went down to Kliberts reptile farm and
bought him da biggest bull constripter dat dey got. He brought dat snake to da barn an let him loose right in da middle and just sat dere and watched.

Well, Thibodeaux was watchin' for a long time, I mean long, an dere wasn't nuttin' happenin'. Dat big ole snake jus curled up hiself in da middle of dat barn and slept all day. He didn't even move and dem rats jus run all around.

Thibodeaux got real frustrated and he called up Boudreaux on da phone,
"Boudreaux, man dats some bad advice bout dat snake. Dem rats play all
day long."

Boudreaux say, "Man, Thibodeaux, I know just what to do. Give dat snake
some Viagra."

Thibodeaux say, "What! Viagra! What's dat gonna do?"
Boudreaux say, "I was just listening to da radio and de man say dat
Viagra is da best t'ing to use for a reptile dysfunction.
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Airline Repair

Post by southernredneck1 » 18 Jul 2014 17:18

It takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one: a reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet", which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics fix the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some of the actual complaints submitted by Qantas pilots (marked P) and the solutions recorded (marked S) by maintenance engineers.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on the ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last.

P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Guns Kill People Like Spoons Make People Fat!!!

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The Garden Snake

Post by southernredneck1 » 19 Jul 2014 18:28

GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...
Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.


It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.


She let out a very loud scream.


The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.


He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.


His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.


The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.


About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.


The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.


But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.


The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.


The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.


The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.


By now, the police had arrived.


Breathe here...


They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!


The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.


Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.


The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.


Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).


Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.


A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.


And that's when he shot her.
Guns Kill People Like Spoons Make People Fat!!!

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Sunday Morning

Post by southernredneck1 » 20 Jul 2014 19:51

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the service started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared in front of the congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "I been married to your sister for 48 years."
Guns Kill People Like Spoons Make People Fat!!!

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Re: The Joke Thread (Kinda Dead Around Here Lately)

Post by herohog » 22 Jul 2014 14:22

I apologise in advance for these two I stole from http://mostlycajun.com
There was a hunter that liked to go after big and unusual game. He heard about an Indian hunting guide that was the best … the guide’s nickname was Shortcake.

Shortcake lead the man on many successful hunts, and one year he went back to see Shortcake for another hunt.

When he knocked on the door, only Shortcake’s wife came to the door.

He asked for Shortcake and his wife said “Shortcake not here.”

He asked where shortcake was?

Shortcake’s wife said, “Squaw bury shortcake”.

/***********************************************************/

When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces.

He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers.

The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it.

Then they began fitting the pieces together.

In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.

“Astonishing!” the truck driver said to the crew chief. “What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?”

The crew chief said,…

“Oh, that was tollgate booth paste.”
:roll:
Speedy
AKA: Hero Hog, Dr. Speed and "That fat, old, balding, Grey-bearded gimpy guy"
Louisiana Open Carry Awareness League (LOCAL) Secretary/Treasurer, CIO

I don't have NEAR enough ammo on hand. `nuff said.

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The Chili Cook-Off

Post by southernredneck1 » 24 Jul 2014 20:35

For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza . Judge
#3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting from
Springfield , IL .

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off.. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to
the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other
two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy;
and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted and became Judge #3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the [beeep] is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone
is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the
beer.

CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to
look HOT ... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
thejalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices
and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow
cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about
Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really
hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No Report.
Guns Kill People Like Spoons Make People Fat!!!

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