The Joke Thread (Kinda Dead Around Here Lately)

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southernredneck1
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An Atheist in the Woods

Post by southernredneck1 » 25 Jul 2014 20:22

An atheist was walking through the woods.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!"
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes
behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran
as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the
bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped &
fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear
was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his
right paw to strike him.

At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!"

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light
shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for
all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to
cosmic accident." "Do you really expect me to help you out of this
predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: "It would be
hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but
perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well", said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped
his right paw,
brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke: "Lord bless this food,
which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."
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Re: The Joke Thread (Kinda Dead Around Here Lately)

Post by herohog » 28 Jul 2014 09:49

An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.

He approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a VERY LOUD VOICE the receptionist said, "YES, I SEE YOUR NAME HERE...YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All of the patients in the waiting room snapped their head around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEXX CHANGE OPERATION, AND I'D LIKE THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS!"

(Stolen from here: Computer World Shark Tank Comments )
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Quote of the Day

Post by southernredneck1 » 28 Jul 2014 20:07

Warren Buffett, in a recent interview with CNBC, offers one of the best quotes I've heard in all this drama about the debt ceiling:


"I could end the deficit in 5 minutes," he told CNBC. "You just pass a law that says that anytime there is a deficit of more than 3% of GDP, all sitting members of Congress are ineligible for re-election."
:mrgreen:
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Whiskey and the Robot

Post by southernredneck1 » 07 Aug 2014 19:05

Guy goes into a bar in Louisiana where there's a robot bartender!
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Whiskey."
The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says," 168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, . . . but he is curious . . . So he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Whiskey."
Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100."
The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser, the Saints and LSU Tigers The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.

He goes back into the bar.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him his whiskey.
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close and says, "SO, . . . you people . . . still happy . . . with Barrack Obama???"
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WHY OUR HEALTH CARE COSTS ARE SO HIGH!!!

Post by southernredneck1 » 18 Aug 2014 18:35

Bubba had shingles. Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had... Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?' Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'
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Re: The Joke Thread (Kinda Dead Around Here Lately)

Post by southernredneck1 » 09 Sep 2014 17:57

Sorry its been awhile since I've put anything up, I've been real busy with work schedules being flipped around.
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Thinking

Post by southernredneck1 » 16 Sep 2014 19:10

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- just to loosen up and be a part of the crowd. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone -- "to relax", I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me and finally I was thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't help myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau, Muir, Confucius and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."

"Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver.

"You think as much as college professors and college professors don't make that much money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!" She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.

"I'm going to the library," I snarled I headed for the library, in the mood for some John Locke. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors.

They didn't open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.

Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Emerson, a poster caught my eye, "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.

This is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.

I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.

Today I took the final step...I joined the Democratic Party
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Re: The Joke Thread (Kinda Dead Around Here Lately)

Post by herohog » 16 Sep 2014 19:22

Good one!
Speedy
AKA: Hero Hog, Dr. Speed and "That fat, old, balding, Grey-bearded gimpy guy"
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The World is Full of Haters!!!

Post by southernredneck1 » 17 Sep 2014 19:04

Quote from: Larry, the Cable Guy...
"Even after the Super Bowl victory of the New Orleans Saints, I have noticed a large number of people, implying with bad jokes and anecdotes, that Loozianna Cajuns ain't smart. I would like to state for the record that I disagree with that assessment. Anybody who would build a city 15 feet below sea level in a hurricane zone and fill it with Democrats who can't swim is a [beeep] genius."



SUPPORT OUR RIGHT TO KEEP AND BEAR ARMS
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Re: The Joke Thread (Kinda Dead Around Here Lately)

Post by ukant_cme » 17 Sep 2014 21:22

Dat's what I'm talk'n bout...

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Sneaky Priest

Post by southernredneck1 » 19 Sep 2014 20:25

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?' '

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, my dad died many years ago and my mother never remarried. But the her desires are as strong as ever at times so while in Sweden I bought her an expensive vibrator. The trouble is that now I am well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it
under your Robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.
Next please!'
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A Little Christmas Story

Post by southernredneck1 » 13 Jan 2015 09:49

Haven't posted one in a while. Been kinda busy with work and moving. Here's one for the past holiday:

Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor...In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.
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Life of Celibacy

Post by southernredneck1 » 14 Jan 2015 18:37

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann, listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He then addressed the men. “Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?”

Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently and whispered, “Gold Medal-All-Purpose, Isn't it?”

And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.
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The Mail Man

Post by Wolfgang1952 » 30 Mar 2015 21:47

One Monday morning Shane the postman was walking through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.

As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman commented.

David, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 o’clock Sunday morning.

We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?'

The Postman thought for a moment and said, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..'

The postman laughed and said, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded, 'Your name came up 7 times...'
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Re: The Joke Thread (Kinda Dead Around Here Lately)

Post by southernredneck1 » 02 Oct 2015 21:01

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Re: The Joke Thread (Kinda Dead Around Here Lately)

Post by herohog » 03 Oct 2015 09:06

Yup... That would SHOULD be Obummer getting bitch-slapped... :evil:
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AKA: Hero Hog, Dr. Speed and "That fat, old, balding, Grey-bearded gimpy guy"
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I don't have NEAR enough ammo on hand. `nuff said.

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